Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Need Gas Relief ? How ’bout Sticking it to OPEC and Big Oil.

Four Dollars “a gallon” looks like a done deal.  Big Oil’s profits are up.  Happy Memorial Day Weekend ! … for us, or for them ?

I’m sure many will be taking shorter trips this long holiday weekend. While most of us will probably just enjoy the weekend at home with family and friends. And then there’s a few of us, that will be seething at the mouth, conspiring ways to stick it to OPEC and Big Oil !

Here’s a few ideas from a contributor on how to get ‘er done … give it a read, and hit the comments with your take.

The Beef …

1. We need to break up OPEC….they have too much oil to be a monopoly!!!
2. We need independent evaluations of their oil fields… how much oil is available there to pump and how do their reserves look!!!!
3. We need a totally “free market” on oil without supply manipulation and monopolization!!!
4. If a country is caught holding back oil from the market they will be fined millions of dollars!!!
5. We need World Trade Organization, foreign governments, economist, geologist, engineers, accountants, and lawyers to bring this all together…..We don’t need Big Oils involvement because they love OPEC….OPEC keeps prices inflated and Big Oil’s profits up!

WE HAVE GOT TO BREAK THE BACK OF OPEC AND GET THESE OIL PRODUCING COUNTRIES TO START COMPETING AMONG THEMSELVES AND THE PRICE OF OIL WILL FALL LIKE A ROCK!!!!!!!!  ~ Gary  Author/Contributor

Thanks Gary for the contribution.

I’m inline with getting in line this weekend, but only for soda, beer, hot dogs, hamburger, and chips. If I’m going to experience gas pain, its not going to be from filling up at the pump :)

Stevo

P.B. (Post Beef) …. Enjoy the long weekend, drive safely, and take a moment to remember and reflect upon the U.S. men and women that gave their lives for our country and provided us with freedoms we enjoy today. I am especially thankful for the right and freedom to beef, and appreciative to all of you that have shared your thoughts and comments on this site … you’ve made my life a better place.

 

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Does Hillary Have The Popular Vote ? Clinton’metrics 101

“I am very proud that as of today, I have received more votes by the people who have voted than anybody else,” she said after her narrow Indiana victory and before her big win in West Virginia on Tuesday. “It’s a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, then we are going to build on that.”

Since then, Clinton has tempered her claim of being ahead in votes, although her aides have not.

“I think I’ve now been privileged to receive the votes of 17 million Americans, and that’s pretty much the same as Senator Obama,” she said Wednesday on CNN.

Her campaign chairman, Terry McAuliffe, went farther Wednesday: “We are ahead in the popular vote — I cannot stress this enough.”

The Beef …

I counted every vote and it all adds up… but only if you’re using “Clintonmetrics”.

“Clintonmetrics” is a system of voting metrics (mathmatics + tricks) developed by the Clintons to spin the voting numbers their way.  Coined here first, on the beefs.  Wikipedia has yet to contact me, but it shouldn’t be long :)

The formula:

fuzzy math + deception + wishful thinking = Clintonmetrics

Regardless of what math they use,  it makes no difference.  This is not a race for votes, it is a race for delegates.   The popular vote is irrelevant, unless you live in Billary’s world.  If you did, Al Gore would be finishing up his second term as president.

Stevo

If you’re interested in all the numbers, check out the analysis on The Kicker ! 

Bush Gives Up Golf, But Shanks Another One.

Possibly Bush's last swing of the clubBush Gave Up Golf in Solidarity with Iraq Dead. 

WASHINGTON (May 13) – President Bush said Tuesday he was disappointed in “flawed intelligence” before the Iraq war and was concerned that if a Democrat wins the presidency in November and withdrew troops prematurely it could “eventually lead to another attack on the United States.”

In an interview with the political newspaper Politico and Yahoo News, Bush also said he gave up golf in 2003 out of respect for U.S. soldiers killed in the war, which has now lasted more than five years.

“I didn’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf,” he said. “I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.”  Full Story

The Beefs …

Fore !! … Bush shanks another one.  I guess we’re supposed to think its commendable that Bush gave up golf in solidarity for the thousands of young men and women that have lost their lives in Iraq ?   Perhaps he should have listened to his caddy, kept his driver in the bag, and instead continued working on his short game at home.   Not only would have it dramatically improved his score card on the golf course, it certainly would have raised his score with the American people.   And of course, lowered the score of lives lost abroad.  

Unfortunately, no mulligans allowed on this course.

Stevo.

Who Should Not Be Saved in a Pandemic? ~ My Top Ten !

Top Ten Worthy ?  This Baby Thinks SoCHICAGO (May 5) – Doctors know some patients needing lifesaving care won’t get it in a flu pandemic or other disaster. The gut-wrenching dilemma will be deciding who to let die.

Now, an influential group of physicians has drafted a grimly specific list of recommendations for which patients wouldn’t be treated. They include the very elderly, seriously hurt trauma victims, severely burned patients and those with severe dementia.  Full Story

The Beefs ….

The elderly ?  Seriously hurt victims ?  Surely you jest.  I have a long list of people that should go straight to the head of this list.  Here’s my top ten …

The Beefs Top Ten  … Who should not be saved in the event of a Pandemic:

10. Carrot Top
9.  Billary Clinton
8.  Richard Simmons
7.  Paris Hilton
6.  Tom Cruise and all Scientologists.
5.  PETA (ok, maybe this link doesn’t make them seem so bad)
4. Martha Stewart (she wasn’t worth the time finding a link)
3.  Hanna Montana and/or Miley Cyrus
2.  George Dubya Junior
1. … drum roll ……Paula Abdul

Don’t take it too seriously, all in fun.   Please hit the comments and give us your Top 10 …

News Flash:  I’ve been contacted by the producers of “Dancing with the Stars” .. they are extremely upset that I released there dancing lineup for next years show.  I assured that while that this is a complete coincidence, I was fairly certain that most previous contestants should go to the top of my list.  Marie Osmond, Presilla Presley, Mark Cuban, Jerry Springer … any need to continue ?

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to revise this list if I think of someone better deserving, or in the event my life is threatened by a disgruntled listee.

Stevo.

 

PETA lays blame on jockey and merciless whipping … Good grief.

NORFOLK, Va. (AP) — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is seeking the suspension of Eight Belles’ jockey after the filly had to be euthanized following her second-place finish in the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.

Gabriel Saez was riding Eight Belles when she broke both front ankles while galloping out a quarter of a mile past the wire. She was euthanized on the track.

PETA faxed a letter Sunday to Kentucky’s racing authority claiming the filly was “doubtlessly injured before the finish” and asked that Saez be suspended while Eight Belles’ death is investigated. 

“What we really want to know, did he feel anything along the way?” PETA spokeswoman Kathy Guillermo said. “If he didn’t then we can probably blame the fact that they’re allowed to whip the horses mercilessly.”   Full Story

The Beefs …

“Good grief. If you know a thing about horses, if you took any time at all to actually look at the sport, you know that you can’t MAKE a half ton animal do ANYTHING, whip or no whip. Try loading one into a trailer that doesn’t want to go there if you want to know something about what a horse does when he doesn’t like something you’re asking him to do.  They run, and run fast, because they WANT to. They run at top speeds around their own paddocks and pastures just for the hell of it, with no rider on board.  And if you watched a race, really watched it, you’d see that this “merciless whipping” just doesn’t happen.   As to the jockey, Eight Belles broke down AFTER the race.   She came in SECOND IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY, FFS. That was an amazing horse that was running in top form. What was it he was supposed to have noticed?  That she was flying a little low?   But yes, two year old horses’ bones are not as strong as they will be when the horse is truly mature, so perhaps that needs to be changed. ”  ~ Kathryn

Thanks to Kathryn for granted me permission to post her opinion on “The Beefs”.  Obviously more than opinion, as her experience working with horses first hand offers more than mere words. 

Speaking of mere words, now for my beef …

It’s unfortunate what happened to this fine horse,  but it doesn’t mean that it was the jockeys fault.  How ridiculous to blame the jockey for this horse’s injuries.  Why would he deliberately kill his own bread and butter, his lively-hood ?  Frankly, PETA needs to get there head of of there rear ends.    They have gotten way too big for there britches, and has become one of the most misguided organizations in existence.  They act as though they have the right to comment on everything that happens with animals, to the point it seems that the rights of animals takes precedence over those of human beings. This is a sport, whether you agree with it or not, it is just that. 

OK, I’m off to run around the parking lot a few times to blow off some steam… that’s what we animals do.  No worries PETA, I’ll take a water break at the fourth furlong.

Stevo.

Drive a hybrid, get great parking ?

Some local businesses are rewarding drivers of hybrids by reserving prime parking spaces for them. At Sunflower Farmers Market in Denver,  six spots are saved up front for low-emitting and fuel-efficient vehicles. The trend comes as sales of hybrids climb worldwide and more manufacturers jump into the market. But some say that despite the good intentions, there might be difficulty in deciding what constitutes a fuel-efficient vehicle and enforcing the use of the parking spaces.  Full Story by Andy Vuong of The Denver Post.

The Beef ..

So I’m trolling around the parking lot of my favorite grocery retailer in my Ford Expedition, slowly passing open, but unavailable parking spots.  Every prime spot is guarded carefully by discouraging blues signs.  One after the other,  reserved for … “Handicapped” … “Expectant Mothers” … “Deli Only” … “Employee of the Month” … “Compact Cars Only” … “10 Minute Parking” … “15 minute Parking“….  Oooh, there’s one  !!  Ahhh, too close to the cart rack  …. “Dog Lovers Only”  … “Authorized Vehicles Only” … “Motorcycles Only” … “Manager Parking Only” ….  entering overflow parking …. “Babies on Board” …. “Employees Only” … “Bronco Fans Only” … “Starbuck’s Customers Only” …. Wait, what’s that ? … “Hybrid Cars Only  ….  Hot Blessed Cafe Lattee!  I’m in !!

Stevo

 

 

 

 

 

Syrian Nuclear Reactor or Club Med ?

Satellite images show a suspected nuclear facility site in Syria before (left) and after a Sept. 6, 2007 Israeli air strike. Today, U.S. intelligence officials will try to convince Congress that Syria was building the reactor with North Korean assistance before it was bombed in 2007.  Read Full Story

The Beef ….

I’m not saying I need further evidence this was a nuclear reactor site …. but If you look closely at the second photo, you can see a Syrian in a golf cart scratching his head wondering what happened to 18th hole and the clubhouse.  Fortunate for him, he shanked his drive two hundred yards to the right.  Can’t say the same for poor syrian sheep herders sucking down a cold brewski at the 19th hole. 

Sorry for the lean beef, but had to squeeze a couple jokes in :)

For those of you upset about my insensitivity or concerned about the lives that might have been lost…  no worries, I have confirmion the golfer’s camels were sited grazing happily out back on the driving range.

Stevo

 

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Hillary to resurrect Rod Sterling ?

If Hillary wins by a  small margin in PA , the twilight zone will continue for a couple more episodes.  She may want to consider resurrecting Rod Sterling for a little Sci-Fi guidance.   For those of you too young to recall, Rod Sterling hosted The Twilight Zone, a nightly anthology that ran on TV in the early sixties.  It was a mix of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror … a world not to unfamiliar to the Hillary’s campaign these days.   In this drama, Hillary is truly in despair; hanging on to hope, with not much left but her pride.   I bet she wishes she could dig back into the Tzone archives and resurrect her own cult hit.  But unfortunately for her, it looks like the best she can hope for is a spinoff… as second in command.  Assuming Obama and Hillary can stomach and withstand the horror to be imparted by John McCain and the Republican campaign. 

Thanks for the read, and I look forward to your comments.

Stevo. 

The Five Second Rule

According to lore and legend, dropped food that spends less than five seconds on the floor – the so-called five-second rule – is still safe to eat because rogue bacteria need more time to taint it.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

There are googles of opinions, and even legitimate scientific studies, but there still remains no consensus on how safe it is to eat dropped food.  More information from Research and Naysayers.  Feel free to skip it and head straight to ….

The Beefs.

Let’s not over complicate this … The “5 second” Rule is not only a legitimate rule of eating etiquette, but a necessity of life for many.   If you have kids, you know what I’m talking about.   If you threw away everything that hit the floor, you might as well push your grocery cart right out the store and straight to the nearest garbage canister.  

And this rule doesn’t only apply to homes with kids, but likely to anyone who’s penny conscious, pocket poor, or just plain hungry !  A college dorm comes to mind.  Although, if I recall my days back in college, it was more like the “5 day” rule.  And as I think more about it, it wasn’t so much about time, but instincts.  A simple primal test of the senses, albeit not a lot of common sense.   Basically, if you could identify it, and it didn’t offend the olfactory, it was worth further exploration. 

Like many rules, the “5 second” rule has many incarnations, mostly based on the circumstances.  But there are some basic fundamentals to the rule that don’t change, and require immediate reaction when the goods hit the floor.  After much pain and suffering, mostly on your part for having to read this, I present the “The Five W’s in Five Seconds” ….

Who else has their beads on it ?  Remember this is a competition, not an exhibition.  No points for style, just get after it.  Of course, always process all five W’s before you leap. 

Where is the drop point ?   Is it your kitchen floor, at a restaurant, at a wedding reception ?  This is obviously important information to gauge the level of embarrassment if spotted in the act.  Or worse, making a complete fool of yourself in public nose diving for runaway Marciano cherry. 

What is it and will it roll ?   While bouncing can lead to quick recovery, rolling can often lead to disaster.  See Why

Why is it always the last one ?   No time to think of this, but it inevitably crosses your mind … especially if it just rolled under the refrigerator. 

When it’s time to concede a loss ?   If there are any injuries, most importantly yours, then its time to let this one go.  Wallow shortly in your defeat, and settle on something else to satisfy your hunger.  Hopefully on reflection, your disgrace and humiliation will benefit you in future recoveries.

Stevo 

22 Innings, 3 Seventh Inning Stretches Later

Play Ball !  22 Innings, 6 Beers, 5 dogs, 4 bathroom breaks,  and 3 seventh inning stretches later … the Colorado Rockies sleep walk out of Petco Park, defeating the Padres 2 – 1.  

The Beef …  

Living in the Denver area over the last 5 years, and with their incredible streak to the World Series last year, I’ve developed into a real Rockies fan.   Not much to beef about unless your a Padres fan, right ?   Well, I thought so until I read a few of the post game comments by some of the players.   Troy Tulowitski is fast becoming one of the best shortstops in the game, albeit robbed for rookie of the year honor last year, but his post game comments struck me …

“It’s tough to keep your head into it and put together good at-bats and be into every pitch,” Tulowitzki said. “We were talking about how our legs were hurting out there. It’s tough to stand on your feet for 22 innings and keep moving.”  Full Story

“It’s tough to stand on your feet for 22 innings?”   Come on, how tough can it be to play ball for 6 hours.  Hey, you get to sit for a half inning every inning, and get paid millions of dollars to boot.    Makes you wonder what they would do if they had to get a real job and see what us poor schlubs have to put up with all our lives.   We work all day, and then sit on our butts all night watching a baseball game until 1:30am in the morning.  Did I mention how many times I had to get up and go to the bathroom ?  On my last run I stubbed my big toe on my son’s Tonka truck, and had to ice it for the last 3 innings.   The wife’s asleep, I’m injured … who’s going refresh my drink !?

Tulowitzki doubles to left-center in the top of the 22nd to score the winning run ! 

Wahhhoooo !!   Off to bed.

Stevo